Danville, Indiana – Leaving a toxic relationship can be risky, but the staff at Sheltering Wings, a domestic abuse shelter in Hendricks County, says they can assist. Experts advise that before developing a safe exit strategy, you should be aware of the warning indicators of domestic abuse.
According to Jenny Kinnaman of Sheltering Wings, physical assault is just one symptom of domestic violence.
“Abuse people may experience is verbal abuse: being belittled, put down, derogatory terms called dumb maybe a character flaw that they have that the abuser would pick on, being made to feel unsafe in your own home. Emotional abuse, where threatening yourself, pets, kids, family. ‘If you leave, I’m going to kill myself,’” Kinnaman said.
According to Kinnaman, one type of abuse that isn’t discussed enough is financial abuse. We don’t discuss it as frequently.
“One of those ways of power and control that the abuser has is either not letting the victim have a job so that they are totally reliant on their abuser for their housing, their food, their clothes, or having that person work and taking their paycheck and taking all their money and racking up bills in their name so even if they leave, their credit is destroyed and they’re not going to be able to get new housing, (or) their car is going to get repossessed.”
Kinnaman also warns against the misuse of religion.
“For people of faith, it’s really turning your faith against you, using your faith or using scripture to say, ‘Well, you have to stay with me, because in a typical relationship, because I am the man and you must submit, and if you don’t stay you’ll be cast out of the church and you’ll lose those supports at the end of the day.’”
Domestic abuse, according to experts, can affect anyone at any age.
“We wouldn’t stay in a relationship if someone came out of the gate hitting you, you wouldn’t stay. Typically, when that happens there was a period of time when everything was great. Everything was rosy. We’re having this romantic period, but then those little things start like name calling or telling you you’re stupid or you’re not doing something correctly and it starts to wear down your self-esteem over time,” Kinnaman said.
“That tension-building phase where you can tell something is wrong, some things are not right in this. ‘I don’t know what it is though. I don’t know what I am doing wrong.’”
Kinnaman asserts that the cycle of violence will never end.
“Then we come to that explosion. That period of, ‘Man, you pushed me too far. If you just would’ve had dinner ready or did what I said I wouldn’t have had to hit you,’ making it your fault the abuse happens. And then remorse: ‘I am so sorry that that happened. I won’t ever do it again. Please believe me, come back.’ That cycle continues.”
After dealing with numerous families, Kinnaman advises parents to talk to their kids once it is safe about what is happening.
“Have them go to their own room, have them exit the house, coming up with a code word with their kiddos when it is time to leave. They know if mom says, ‘Apple Jacks,’ they know to get out of the house.”
Before attempting to escape, Sheltering Wings advises that you have a plan in place. They provide a 24-hour helpline so you can prepare in advance. There is a (317) 745-1496 number.
